Do you feel judged for how well your baby sleeps?
How did you feel as a new parent heading to your first baby group?
Excited about making new mum friends? Worried about navigating getting there with your new pram and will your baby cry all the way through or need a feed? Concerned about judgement from other parents?
I definitely felt all of the above. I had quite a lot of anxiety as a new mum and worried that I was doing everything wrong and would be called out by other, more experienced mums.
One of the most talked-about topics in parenting circles is sleep - or the lack thereof. It’s very normal for parents to think that how their child is sleeping is a direct result of their parenting ability (it’s not, of course) and so it’s really common for parents to suggest their baby is sleeping better than they actually are because they worry that if they tell it how it really is they will get that judgemental look or comment.
The Culture of Judgment in Parenting Groups
I can still picture the scene now, heading to story time at the library with my 6 week old baby and everyone sitting in a circle, baby on knee (or if older, crawling around the bookshelves) and tentatively saying hello to the other mums there. I think it took about 5 minutes for sleep to come up and the mum opposite me said her newborn baby had been sleeping through the night since 3 weeks old and that she really didn’t see the big deal about sleep, she just popped her baby in the cot and he fell asleep. You could feel the collective sigh around the room. Why doesn’t my baby do that? Is that even possible? It is possible, but very rare so please don’t see that as a benchmark! This was before I became a sleep consultant and so my mind was immediately going into anxiety overdrive that I was doing something wrong because my baby at 6 weeks old was waking for a feed or two (again, normal).
Can we just address the idea that how well your baby sleeps is a direct result of your ability as a parent? Honestly, a lot of it is down to luck and temperament. Some babies are very happy to sleep in their cot from day one and will sleep long stretches overnight. Others want more connection in the night and will take much longer to sleep through the night. Both are normal. There are lots of things that you can do to improve sleep: environment, routine optimisation, settling methods (both supported and independent sleep focused) and nutrition can all help. I’ve worked with lots of parents whose first child was a dream and slept well and the second one was a nightmare. Same parents, just a child with a different temperament.
Fear of Judgement
I often think that the fear of judgement holds some parents back from seeking help with sleep. They see seeking help as a sign that they’re doing something wrong and worry they will be judged for whatever their sleep issues are. I have worked with parents with a range of sleep issues, I never judge any of them. As parents, we are doing what we have to do to get through it. Often, that leads to habits forming that we never intended or simply not knowing where to start when taking control of the sleep problem and fixing it. Speaking out about the realities of sleep in your family might actually help you find a few allies in those parenting groups; the ones who are in the same boat or who have been there and know how you feel. Honestly, the parents who go to groups and just want to talk about how their baby has slept through since exiting the womb, started crawling after 5 minutes and can already recite the alphabet backwards are not the ones for you. And they are most likely feeling the same insecurities and projecting perfection to push judgement away from them.
Personal Reflection
I’ve had multiple experiences of being judged as a parent at baby groups. Not all related to sleep. I was once judged by another mum when I said my baby had a bottle before bed so my husband could do bedtime sometimes and I could have a break - apparently it’s not “exclusively breastfeeding” if the breastmilk comes out of a bottle. Why are we gatekeeping breastfeeding like it’s an exclusive club? I was judged because my daughter wanted to sit on my knee for the whole baby group instead of crawling off with the other babies. I was “making her clingy” and I should pop her down and wander off so she can learn to socialise. What? How is she going to magically learn to socialise by being left on her own? Babies and children learn by example and being shown how to do things. It’s the same with sleep, babies don’t intuitively learn how to sleep well by being left to it.
Empowering Parents Without Judgment
A very important part of The Sleep Snug is that it is a judgement free space for parents to vent about their sleep issues without fear of being judged. I’ve heard it all, nothing surprises me and I genuinely want to help. I am not going to tell you it’s easy, or you’re doing it wrong or ask you how you got into this mess? Parenting is hard. There is so much to learn and juggle we can’t possible do it all seamlessly and without help. I feel like social media really doesn’t help with this. So many accounts present a super clean house, baby in beige clothes and talk about how wonderful motherhood is. None of that is real. Yes motherhood is wonderful, but it’s also really hard too and it’s okay to feel both and want to make it easier for yourself.
Get in Touch
If you want to discuss your sleep struggles and see if we would be a good fit to work together, book in a free chat. I’d love to help, whether that’s one of my Sleep Guides, a one off Confidence Call or a full bespoke package. I’ve got something for everyone.
