Honouring Attachment Parenting: Gentle Sleep Methods Without the Tears
For many parents, the words "sleep training" evoke visions of endless crying and heart-wrenching nights.
I actually don’t use “sleep training” in my consultancy work because I feel the connotations of the phrase are rooted in the more extreme methods - which I don’t use.
But, what if I told you that it's entirely possible to work on improving your baby's sleep while respecting their needs and without compromising on the principles of attachment parenting?
What is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment parenting (AP) places emphasis on a close and responsive relationship between the parent and child. It's a philosophy grounded in the belief that children who form secure attachments will thrive emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
As a sleep consultant who deeply respects AP principles, my approach has always been that children with a secure attachment will naturally sleep better and be more content. In my experience, the families I have worked with who have used gentle and responsive methods have had the most long term success.
Why Gentle Sleep Methods?
Just as attachment parenting focuses on building trust, gentle sleep methods do the same. They allow the child to understand that sleep is a safe and restorative process, without the associated fear of being left alone.
Babies and young children are still figuring out their emotions. By using gentle methods, we teach them that their feelings are valid and understood and they are learning that we will respond if they need us. This is particularly true of older babies and children who are learning how to manage their emotions. If your child is 18 months +, the more traditional sleep training methods such as Cry It Out or the Extinction method should be avoided. If your toddler is crying out for you in the night, leaving them to cry is not going to solve the problem or help them with longer term emotional management. I recently read Dr Phillipa Perry’s book: The Book You Wish Your Parent’s Had Read and listened to her on Elizabeth Day’s Podcast and what she says around being a “container” for your child’s emotions, their safe space that they can offload and feel connection, really resonated with me - not just as a mother but as a sleep consultant to. If we leave babies and toddlers to cry, what are we teaching them? Their emotions aren’t valid after 7.30pm?
But does this mean we have to put up with our babies and children waking up every hour of the night? No it does not. It means we have to approach the problem and get to the root of it. Help our children feel safe and secure at night so when they wake up they can settle back to sleep without needing lots of support.
Healthy Sleep Habits:
With many families I have worked with, we have addressed the foundations of healthy sleep and set some new habits and changed routines and it has had lots of success. This has meant the need to “sleep train” has gone because, actually, it was the foundational work that needed doing and then the child was able to do the rest themselves.
Some of the foundational aspects I work on include:
Bedtime routine - is it predictable? Calming? Focusing on connection or reconnection if you have been apart all day?
Sleep environment - is the sleep space calm? Safe? Dark? Is the child comfortable there? If not, why not?
Consistency - what does the baby or child’s day look like? Would they benefit from a routine? Are they napping too much? Not enough? Where are they napping?
Once all of the above has been addressed and worked on, only then do we need to look at settling methods. Any methods I recommend are responsive and tailored to the baby or child in question. There are so many strategies out there, often I need to mix a few together to get the right one for the child and for the parents. You need to be comfortable in this too. Are you going to stick to a plan you aren’t happy with? Nope.
Working with a Sleep Consultant: A Respectful Partnership
Engaging with a sleep consultant doesn't mean you're stepping away from your parenting beliefs. Instead, it's about partnering with someone who respects and understands those beliefs, offering strategies that align with them.
I believe that a child's needs should be respected at all times, including when working on sleep. This means finding tailored solutions that ensure both parent and child feel secure and content.
Remember that it's entirely possible to have the best of both worlds—a well-rested child and a parenting approach that centres on trust, respect, and understanding. By honouring attachment parenting and embracing gentle sleep methods, you're not just ensuring peaceful nights but also fostering a deep, lasting bond with your child.
If you're ever in doubt or need guidance, know that there are sleep consultants out there, like myself, ready to support you with approaches rooted in attachment theory, always putting your family’s emotional well-being at the forefront.
Book in a free mini consultation here to find out more and see if we would be a great fit to work together.
Leah x
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