Night Feeds: Time to Readdress the Balance?
When I was pregnant I did a hypnobirthing course. It also covered what to do when the baby arrives i.e. how to actually look after a baby, what to expect in terms of feeding and sleep. This was great as my husband and I were clueless. We decided from the beginning that I would try to breastfeed and just see how we go. Fast-forward to week two as parents and the night feeds were really affecting my mental health. Luckily, as we had done the course together, he knew how to help and stepped up. We shared the night feeds going forward. This saved my breastfeeding journey and also my mental wellbeing.
Since becoming a sleep consultant, I’ve come to realise that not every mother is so lucky. There is often this expectation that the night feeds are the mother’s job and therefore the dad (or second parent/non feeding parent, for the sake of this post I will refer to them as the dad) gets to sleep soundly. I think it’s time this tradition was no more.
Parenting is a partnership. The idea that mums should inherently bear the brunt of night-time duties is an outdated one. But just as important as it is to champion this equal responsibility, it’s vital to dispel some myths. Even if a mother is breastfeeding, it doesn’t mean the dad is off the hook. There are a myriad of ways they can play a crucial role.
In those early days, the majority of feeds lead to a nappy change. This can be done by dad. Every nappy change is a few minutes the mother can rest, regather, and relax. The baby then needs to be resettled in their cot. This can also be done by dad. Taking turns in rocking, singing, or just soothing the baby back to sleep can be a lifeline for a tired mum.
If the mum chooses, and feels comfortable, having a bottle of expressed milk or formula ready can allow dads to take over some feeds. Allowing mum to get some longer stretches of sleep will help her feel so much better the next day. This is what we did. I began expressing so my husband could do one feed a night which allowed me to get a long stretch of sleep.
But how do we make this support for new mums the normality and not just for the lucky ones?
Knowledge is power. Understanding the sleep patterns of newborns can help dads anticipate needs and share in the sleep strategy. Ensuring the baby’s sleep space is safe and conducive to sleep is a shared responsibility. Knowledge of ideal room temperatures, blackout blinds, or white noise machines can be beneficial. As the baby gets older, what does an age appropriate routine look like? How many naps should they be having? All of this is a big burden for one parent to shoulder.
The Sticking Point: Parental Leave
Parental leave in the UK, though better than in many places, still often leaves dads or second parents grappling with limited time at home. I was very lucky as my husband was able to take six weeks off to support us through the whirlwind of the first few weeks as new parents. Many dads feel constrained by the current structure of parental leave, feeling they need to return to work sooner than they’d like.
Longer and more flexible paternity leave would be revolutionary. The benefits on maternal mental health, bonding with the baby, and overall family cohesion would be immense.
To conclude, night feeds aren’t just a ‘mum thing’. They’re a parent thing. From my experiences both personal, and as a sleep consultant, I’ve seen how the invaluable support of dads and second parents during this journey can uplift the entire family. It not only eases the load for mothers but strengthens the bond between both parents and their baby.
What are your experiences of night feeds? How do you share the load with your partner? Let me know, I’d love to hear about more solutions.
