Parenting, Sleep and Impossible Standards
There appears to be a trend in the wellness industry around creating and projecting a standard that you should meet in order to look after yourself effectively.
A level of self-care you should be reaching as the blueprint for success in this area.
In my work as a sleep consultant, I work with families to achieve their own individual goals. I don’t have a one size fits all approach that you, as a family, should be working towards in order to fit in the box of the perfect parent. There isn’t one perfect routine or lifestyle you should be aiming for — not in my consultancy anyway.
Recently, I attended a “Sleep Optimisation Workshop”. It was run by a Sleep Performance Coach who is also a personal trainer. He works with CEO’s of huge corporations, sportsmen (specifically, men), UK football clubs and a couple of international football teams. Essentially, rich people who need help with their sleep. However, he did say he had worked with some “busy mums” to improve their lifestyle, too.
The idea of the package he offers is to provide you with a personalised “sleep optimisation plan” which is tailored to you based on your DNA and personal goals. He states that when you optimise your sleep and diet you can operate at “peak performance” for you and therefore work better and function better as a human. As a sleep consultant who works with children and not adults (yet) I was fascinated.
The presentation began with an overview of sleep science, the circadian rhythm, the hormones which influence our sleep/wake cycle, how nutrition and environmental factors such as light, heat and noise can impact sleep. All of this was incredibly interesting and a great refresher from my training.
He also discussed the difference between night owls and early birds. Night owls being those of us who are more productive in the evening and prefer to stay up late and early birds being those who are more productive in the morning and enjoy being up earlier in the day. He said many of us think we are night owls because we drag ourselves out of bed in the morning (it’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me) but actually we would be early birds if we followed an optimal sleep routine which allowed for it.
He then went on to discuss certain lifestyle changes you should make and made it clear that if you aren’t doing these things then you aren’t investing in yourself. It felt almost accusatory, like he knew we (the audience) weren’t doing these things and it was time to sort ourselves out. Now, I am a great believer in optimising sleep and the benefits it brings. I advocate for this in my work as I know that when you sleep better you have improved mental health, you function better and can be a better parent and there is no selfishness in that. However, when working with clients I always try to work within the lifestyle they have and what they are comfortable with. I try not to impose an unreachable standard upon them.
I’ve made a list of things he said we should be doing to ensure we are operating at peak performance:
Winding down for at least two hours before bed, whilst aiming for a 9pm bedtime.
Wind down time should consist of: no screens, dim lighting, meditation, stretching, journaling, reading, podcasts/audiobooks.
Our bedroom should look and feel like a spa: calming colours, no TV, 16–18 degrees, dim lights, soft music.
Only eating in a 7–8 hour window per day to allow time for digestion before sleep.
No caffeine for 90 minutes after waking and no caffeine after 12pm.
Avoid carbs until your last meal of the day.
When travelling long haul, only travel business class so you can lie flat and sleep, don’t drink alcohol whilst travelling and take your own food.
Also when travelling, request a room facing the sunrise.
I can imagine you are probably thinking the same as me: this sounds like a full time job. I think you are right. Particularly if you are a parent or you have caring responsibilities, being able to prioritise sleep in this way and follow a schedule like this would be completely consuming and you don’t have the time. Also, has this guy seen how much it costs to travel economy these days? Or ever travelled with a toddler?
This is just another thing we are made to feel guilty about for not doing. I see so many Instagram pages which project this perfect lifestyle. You see mum putting her perfect baby to bed in a clean and tidy nursery, the house is spotless, they’ve already made a home cooked meal from scratch, we see them do some journaling and a bit of yoga and then tuck themselves in to their fresh, beige sheets. Guys, it’s not real. Any of it. We cannot live up to it and we need to stop trying.
However, I did take away some thoughts from this workshop. We can do some of these things, to a degree, and within our means. I am definitely guilty of staying up late. Just like most parents I see that time as time for me, alone or with my husband, without a toddler around my ankles asking for another banana. I also stay up watching Netflix when I could read instead and I have my phone next to me and I look at it too often. I then struggle to get up at 6.30 with my 2 year old who has low sleep needs and is an early bird.
I have resolved to try and do the following:
No phone for an hour before bed.
Try to be in bed and reading around 9pm most evenings. Not all — I’m not a robot.
No caffeine after 12 — to be fair, I do this anyway or I get the jitters.
Move dinner time earlier, rather than eating after my daughter has gone to bed, so I’m not eating late.
Get up at 6am, even if my daughter isn’t up yet.
And that’s it. That is what optimising sleep looks like for a working parent who doesn’t have a spare couple of hours every evening to journal and stretch. I’m not perfect so I know there will be days when I’ll slip and check my phone or click “next episode” on Netflix. If I didn’t do these things I would be guilty of holding myself to an impossible standard, too, and to be honest as a mum I have enough (unnecessary) guilt I carry around already. But I am trying and that is all that matters.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you tried to do this? How does seeing this kind of material on social media make you feel? Send me a DM or an email leah@thesleepsnug.com.
